The Relief of Open Hands
Over the past three months, when my alarm goes off, I’ve been waking up with both hands clenched into tight fists.
This is not a shock in any way; I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life, and I often express it through physical tension. Clenched fists, tight shoulders, ground teeth and jaws — these are as familiar as my own face and voice. Sometimes, completely relaxing feels worse than the tension I’m so used to.
The timing of this new nightly habit is also not any mystery. I recently moved to a new apartment, and have yet to finish arranging everything. Even before I moved, the stress of finding a new place to live and jumping through all the hoops to make it happen was monumental. We’re also entering a busy season at work, not that that would ever cause anyone any anxiety at all…
It doesn’t hurt, exactly, but I’m not enjoying waking up so tense, as if I’m anticipating a hard day before it even starts. Sleep is supposed to help ease our weariness and stress, not multiply it. I don’t know how long this will go on, or if it will get better or worse in the coming weeks. Those of us with general anxiety don’t often have time to find solutions for the physical expression of our inner chaos because, well, we’re stuck in the chaos.
Something I do know, however, is that I’ve been hearing a lot lately about control. At church, at work, even in conversations with friends and family who live very different lives and hours away from me. I’ve been hearing a lot about letting go.
I know God is the Creator and Sustainer and our ever-present help in times of trouble (Psalm 46:1), but I tend to have a hard time letting go of things I think I can control. Note the word think.
The truth is, and what I believe God has been trying to hammer through my thick skull through all these interactions, is that I’m not in control of anything, and that’s a very good thing. If I were actually in control of my life, I would’ve derailed it by accident years ago. If I were actually in control of my life, then all the worry, pressure, fear, and decisions would be up to me alone to handle and fix.
Thankfully, the One who is in control is perfect, all-knowing, loving, and all-powerful. He doesn’t have anxiety, or get tired, or fear anything. When I remind myself of that, it’s a lot easier to open my hands, thank Him for literally everything, and let go of the (delusional) idea that everything all the time is on me. Because it’s not.
That’s why, despite waking up tight-fisted and stomach in knots, I can still sleep at night. He’s got it all in hand, even when I clench mine.
